did I do the right thing

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Steve MacLellan 4 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #1783

    Marla

    I will be fifty years old this year. I have two almost grown children and one step daughter who is thirty. I left my husband of twenty four years almost one year ago. The reasons that I left were many. I had felt unloved, non-existent almost, lonely and like he didnt listen to me for years. I moved into an apartment because I could not afford to keep the house. I am empty nesting (the kids live with him) very close by, but it is not the same. I based my entire life on taking care of him and the kids. I volunteered at the school, was homeroom mom, caretaker to my mother (who has now passed away) .and only worked part time. My ex was and is a very hard working man. I am thankful for that because it enabled me to be home with the kids . I still felt so alone. No communication, no intimacy, no conversation. felt as if I could not do anything right as far as he was concerned. An old boyfriend started emailing me. I ended up falling for his smooze. It made everything that was already bad worse. I got breast cancer. My husband said it was “no big deal” . A light bulb went off and I decided that when I was better I would leave him. I left almost a year ago. Legal separation was final in August of last year. I guess my question is How do I know I did the right thing??? This is so hard too. My parents are gone. I am not close (cant count on) my siblings. His family has always been there for me. I had a nice house. Worked only part time. Two beautiful healthy children along with a stepdaughter that I adore. (She was 3 yrs old when we met). How long will it take me to figure all of this out.??? Any comments or advice from anyone who has been there will be appreciated. I believe in God. I cant figure out why this happened. I had prayed for years for God to fix our relationship. For God to change me so that we would get along better. Well God did change me and I left. Will I ever feel ok???

    #1784

    Steve MacLellan
    Keymaster

    Hi Marla,

    You made the decision that you didn’t want to be in a loveless relationship. I don’t think anyone can lay any blame on you for that. But it seems you’re doing a lot of second-guessing on whether you made the right choice. Is this holding you back from moving forward? It’s hard to move forward with your life when you’re viewing everything through the rear-view mirror.

    Moving forward, maybe you can find a way to build a new relationship with the children based on your history. It’s your life, and the good news is it can be anything you want it to be. But you need to take positive steps, and stop thinking of the past. You may be able to salvage relationships with your ex inlaws as well. I get along great with mine.

    Join some clubs; make some new friends. Get on a bowling team, join a book club, volunteer at new places. And most importantly take some time for yourself before dating anyone. Get to know the new you first. Once you’re comfortable with you, then you can always look at finding another partner. Just don’t rush into anything.

    Hope this helps!

    Regards,
    Steve MacLellan

    #1785

    Marla

    thank you.. I am second guessing because I miss the kids so much. (Which I already was because they are older and gone all the time). I am stuck somewhat in the “why.. how .. what did I do wrong” stuff. Am also wondering all of the time if I could have done anything else. I dont think so though. I was miserable. Now I am lonely but not miserable. I actually like to leave when work is over and I look forward to weekends. I am going to take your advice to “find myself” more. Unfortunately I already am dating which I am not sure was the right decision or not. At the time I felt like it was about time I had some fun and companionship because I had felt married let alone for so long. Thank you for a mans perspective. Marla

    #1793

    Steve MacLellan
    Keymaster

    Hi Marla,

    If dating isn’t the right choice for you now, end it. I had to do the same thing one time. After my first divorce people were coming up to me and saying things like, “so you’ll be looking for another woman now….” And I assumed that was what I would do. But there isn’t anything worse than getting into another relationship for all the wrong reasons.

    See, you don’t get into a relationship because you are alone. That’s the wrong reason. You get into a relationship because you care about someone else. If you’re not committed to the relationship, there is a good chance you’re in it for the wrong reasons. And you don’t have to make up any stories to end it either. Tell the truth. Just say, “Look, I really have enjoyed our time together, and I like you, but I’m not ready for this.” I’ve had to to this very thing. You can do it too.

    Yes, I miss my kids too. Although one of them is all grown up and living on the west coast and has given me three grandchildren.

    So you’re lonely, but not miserable…. That’s a start! You’re on the right track! Now just try and think of things you could do that won’t make you so lonely. I offered some suggestions in in my previous post. You have to get out of your apartment, and get involved. Don’t think about partners. Think about new friends and experiences for Marla. Put yourself out there.

    Best Wishes,
    Steve MacLellan

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