Have you ever said 'yes', when you wanted to say 'no'? You're not alone. A lot of people do this, and often the situation is different every time. For example: It's a hot afternoon and your skinny best friend implores you to go to the ice-cream bar, because she doesn't have anyone else to go with right then, and you're struggling with your weight. You try to say no, but you end up saying yes. Of course this is only one example...
Are we pre-programmed to say yes? Dr. Anne Brown believes we are. She says, that from the time we are very little: "Initially, that world consists of our immediate family, and as children, we do our damnedest to make sense of it. We observe, listen, adapt, and then accommodate."
Of course we aren't children any longer. We have the option of saying no. We just need to "grow a backbone".
One time when I was looking for a car to buy, I was at a dealership and was convinced by two sale people to take a particular car out for a test drive. I did, and then when I returned to the lot they tried to convince me to buy it. Many of you will know just how convincing some of these guys can be, but I was double-teamed on this one. I had to be quite stern with them. I said, "I'm not interested in this car. I don't like it. I don't like the way it feels on the highway, I don't like the color, I don't like the interior, and I don't like the look of it". About this time, they realized they would not be selling me this car. But they would have sent me home with it if they could have.
Let's look at some of the common things many people say yes to, and then later regret it.
- Yes to sex with the ex
- Yes to paying for things we can’t afford
- Yes to things we know feel good at the time and cost us our self-esteem later
- Yes to numbing ourselves with food, alcohol, and drugs
- Yes to sex to be liked
- Yes to being sweet to parents and step-parents who treat us poorly
- Yes to abusive bosses
- Yes to our friends partying at our house when our parents are away
- Yes to sex that teenage partners want from us because we think we will be more popular
- Yes to unfair salaries
- Yes to “putting up with” and “doing more than others”
- Yes to any request from anyone because we want to avoid conflict
Dr. Brown is a graduate of the University of Virginia, BS in Nursing, Boston University, MS in Psychiatric-Mental Health in Nursing; and International University, PhD in Addiction Studies. In her book, Backbone Power The Science of Saying No, she says, "When we meet the unhealthy, toxic people of the world, we need to say No to allowing them access to us. When people try to brainwash us with lies, we need to have the tools to say No to their brainwashing." Which is exactly what her book teaches. It offers an insight into waking up, making the decision to set an intention, and accept the challenge of learning to say NO which means YES for you. As you begin practicing your own self-care and gaining inner peace, you will come to the realization that you are the priority. Developing a backbone takes awareness, courage, and inner strength. It is a process. Dr. Brown takes you step by step through this journey.
This is an especially a good read for any of you who are new to being single again. Without a partner you need to learn to stand up for yourself. In fact, you may need to learn how to stand up against your ex partner. Maybe, even your boss! If your boss is aware you are single, he/she may require you to put in more over-time at work, to give those who have families more time off. Yes, people are going to try and take advantage of you and you need to learn how to deal with it. You have to learn to say no, because no one else is going to say it for you.
This doesn't mean you have to argue...
In, 2000, my web development business slumped a bit. I had to take a job. My daughter was four years old and it was Christmas time. She was registered in ECS at her day-care facility and the Christmas concert was going to be her first time on stage. So I told my supervisor that I would be leaving early on Friday afternoon so I could attend. He said, "I can't spare you. And I need you to work some overtime on Friday. Sorry, Steve"
On Friday I left at 2:30 pm, so I could go to the Christmas concert. I showed up for work my usual time on Monday. Nothing was ever said about me leaving early. I hadn't disobeyed him. I control my time and what I will do with it. When I informed him I would be leaving early on Friday, I wasn't asking for permission. There was no need to argue with him. It wasn't a lack of respect for him; I had promised my daughter I would be there.
Backbone Power The Science of Saying No is being offered free today as part of an Amazon promotion. If you get click her to download it now, you're be saving yourself $17.39. If you're flying solo these days, you need to be in control of the flight or else you're sure to wind up off-course.
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